Come and enjoin

As the littlest family member, Jack is feeling a little left out lately.

"I never get to enjoin the parties."

All the lonely people

About ten day ago Evan and I celebrated our thirteenth year of marriage and then a few days later I celebrated my thirty-sixth birthday (should I admit that?) It was a busy week, full of school Christmas parties, an awards assembly, visits to ladies from church that live far but need not feel forgotten. Saturday morning I got up early and drove an hour-and-a-half to take a shift at our church's food pantry. It was quiet and the sun wasn't quite up, because I was alone and in Evan's car I was listening to grown up music, a Beatles' CD. The words "All the lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?" stood out and made me start thinking about loneliness.

I arrived just in time to learn the layout of the store before the first visitors arrived. Then the next five hours were spent helping fill carts, boxes, and bags with orders for food. There were so many stories to be heard, so many sad stories. Lost jobs, lost hopes, bare cupboards and trees without presents. Some found comfort in family, others didn't have any. One lady just sat and I knew she was carrying more emotional weight than one person need carry. I sat by her and she talked, I listened. I gave a lot of hugs and shed a few tears. Then I drove home. All the lonely people.

That night, Evan and I were to play Mary and Joseph in a live nativity. I scurried to find costumes and get everyone ready. Chasing kids most of the night kept me from feeling very serene, but sitting next to Evan playing Mary watching my kids in the audience brought some peace.

Then the night before Christmas Eve I was asked to speak at a baptism. The woman being baptized was a young mom to three small kids. Throughout the baptism I could distinctly feel how much Heavenly Father loved her. She stood to bear her testimony and said, "I know that Heavenly Father sent the Sisters to find me because I was so lost."

Three little reminders of the true meaning of Christmas. Three little reminders, of Christ's love for all of us. All the lonely people, they do belong.

a step in the right direction

These pictures are a blur, but so are most days with my children. Maisy has been drinking her meals. I don't know why we didn't think of it before (maybe because the smell of it reminds both Evan and I of cleaning up vomit) but her teacher suggested it and it is working out great.

We still use her feeding tube at night and when she doesn't feel well. However, it is so nice to put her at the table with a straw and can of Bright Beginnings instead of "plugging" her in.

Black and bright

Just a quick post. Another baby shower blanket.

I used the Granny Stripe Blanket pattern from The Purl Bee. The yarn is I Love This Cotton, from Hobby Lobby, in black tweed and Sugar and Cream cotton in various colors. I really love how it turned out.

get

Maisy's new favorite word is appropriate this time of year. She walks around with catalogs and points at the things she wants for Christmas and says, "get, get."

Get scooter, get Leapfrog Leapster, get guitar, get Tangled doll, get Leapfrog Tag, get markers. She knows what she wants.

Halloween

The other morning, as I was getting Maisy ready for school, she wouldn't put on her sweater. I went to her closet and got out another sweater, she didn't want that one either. After a few more tries I finally brought her over to her closet. She pointed to the top shelf where her Super Why costume sat. Which then reminded me I hadn't posted Halloween pictures.

This year Sadie was the queen of the owls. Her headpiece was my attempt at deciphering her vision. I was thinking something more Great Horned owl, she was thinking more elegant and queenly.

Her wings were wonderful. She was against wings because she didn't want to be fairy-like, but I reminded her she was an owl. The wings were nothing like a fairies wings. The "feathers" were just sewn at the top so they had movement.
She added her pettiskirt, some tights, and layered t-shirts.
Ella was a midnight fairy. I wish I had a better picture of the skirt. It was sixteen layers of tulle in shades of black and silver, so pretty. Ella made the mask and the wand.
I made the headpiece. It started out a dollar store crown, but with a little spray paint, some feathers, and sequins it became beautiful. Makeup and mom's jewelry added to the specialness.
Maisy was Super Why and for the first time ever she loved everything about her costume and never wanted to take it off. With the exception of the mask which she decided was a headband, she wanted to sleep in the costume. When she got home from school and I showed her the costume she started jumping up and down. Once we put it on her, she twirled around and around. It was wonderful!
Here she is with her best friend (the paper doll) waiting for the costume parade.
Jack was Yoda. He loves Yoda.
He too, wanted to sleep in his costume. When people come over he has to run and put on his Jedi robe so he can display his Force. The black finger tips are not part of his costume, I just can't stop him from drawing. He always has markers in his hands and no paper is safe. His school work comes home with drawings on the back. Our kitchen table is covered in markers, crayons, and paper as soon as he gets home from school. We try to remind him that a Jedi must have order in his surroundings to have order in his mind, but so far it isn't working.
So, there is our Halloween. We went to a trunk-or-treat, and a harvest festival, but Halloween is a little scarier here, so Halloween night was mostly scary movies and popcorn. And not one trick-or-treater.

Good Decisions

"Jack you need to take a bath."

"I don't want to take a bath. You shouldn't make me take a bath."

"I'm sorry if I'm the meanest mom ever, but get in the bath. Now!"

"Your not the meanest mom, I love you, but I want you to make good decisions."

This is difficult for me to write, because I don't want to be negative. I don't want to be the kind of person who dwells on the bad or feels that grass is always greener elsewhere. I want to believe I can find happiness anywhere. I don't want to be the kind of person who thinks life will be better when... I don't want to live hoping for a future or clinging to a past.

However, I am so homesick. I miss my friends and my family. I miss walking my kids to school and sitting on the porch waiting for them to come home. I miss the some what calm life we used to have, that somehow in my memories has this soft cast to it like an instagram pic. I miss cool evenings and water filtration. I miss grass and rain, flower and vegetable gardens. I miss planting bulbs & mums and canning tomatoes. I miss kids jumping on the trampoline and swinging in the swings, and playing outside without heat stroke or swollen limbs from mosquito bites the size of golf balls.

Its difficult to leave the things you love behind and whether it was last week or coming up on a year it doesn't seem to get easier. Sadie is struggling too. She is living in a future time, a time when we will be back in our old house and she will have her own room and it will look the way she wants it to. She tells anyone who will listen about this future. I feel like I have done this to her, that I have supported this discontent and I watch her close off a little. I know that some of that is her age. The quiet, withdrawn, occasionally moody child is just a sign of things to come, but it is still tough to see.

I worry about Maisy. Her stamina seems to be decreasing. She seems tired more than she used to and her reluctance to leave the computer concerns me. She has been acting out as well. All behaviors that are uncharacteristic.

I worry about Evan, Jack, and Ella. I worry about what is yet to come and how to get to where we want to be. And I worry that the days are drifting by faster and faster and part of me is grateful for that.

boy blanket

I finished the blanket I've been working on for the last couple of weeks.

It might be my favorite. The colors are so nice. Sadie is a little partial to it as well.
I felt a little bad telling her it had to go to a new home.
The baby was born on Tuesday, so it was finished just in time.

Making blankets

It has been a tough little while, some things I'm not ready to talk about just yet. Kind of a watch, wait, and pray situation. But I have been taking comfort in crocheting. I finished this little blanket. It isn't very big, but it is just right for dragging around.

This blanket went to a sweet little baby on Saturday,
and hopefully this one will get finished in time.
The first two are variations of this pattern; it is easy to adapt to different weights of yarn because the size just grows with each round and not by the length of your beginning chain. The border comes from this pattern.

The ripple blanket is from this pattern, but I varied the width of the stripes. I probably should have sketched out a plan, but I didn't. I'm just grabbing colors and changing them when I'm tired of looking at it. Hopefully that isn't a recipe for disaster. The colors are Houston Cream, San Diego Navy, Monterey Lime, Portland Wine, Charlotte Blue, Washington Denim (not yet pictured), and Dallas Grey.

Birthday Girl

Our little miracle turned seven on Saturday. We celebrated quietly. Maisy doesn't really enjoy big parties or cake, just attention. So we kept it low key.

She loves opening presents and being sung to.
She isn't easy to buy for, because most often, she will appreciate the packaging more than the toy. Maisy loves balloons and coloring books, so I pretty much just humored her and got her what she likes. Except for the wipeable playmat and the Mrs. Potato Head.
And I made her a blanket. Maisy's birthday is always emotional for me and causes a flood of memories. I wish I could just dwell on the wonder of having her, but the dread and fear of her first six months lingers too.
I am so grateful for the love, understanding, joy, and depth our sweet seven-year-old has brought to our lives. We love you Maisy.

letting go

Its picture day. The day when all of your cuteness is scaled down to 2" x 3" to be passed around amongst friends.

Both girls wanted curls, so last night, after baths, we sat with strips of fabric and a comb. While I wrapped sections of hair, they sat on a pillow in front of me watching a decorating show with high hopes for pretty curls.

This morning was the big reveal and touch up with a curling iron. Ella bounces away her curls bouncing in rhythm. "I look pretty," she sings. Sadie goes through catalogs looking for how she hopes her hair will look, all with comments of, "Kind of like this but different." I try to make it look how I think she wants and ask, "Like this." Her words say, "that's fine," her expression says something else. I turn her to face me and say, "Honey, you look beautiful."

"Thanks Mom."

In the car she sits in the passenger seat. I'm torn between worrying about her safety and wanting her to know that growing up has its privileges. I reach over and offer her my hand, she slips her hand in mine. The same little hand that used to wrap around my finger, now matches mine in size. I drive down the street not letting go, grateful she still wants to hold my hand. I maneuver turns one handed afraid to let go, fearing I'd be letting go of more than just her hand

She used to talk nonstop. Not anymore. She used to follow me through the house, telling me stories of her dreams, her playing, her day. Not anymore. She used to fit on my chest, her head tucked under my chin, her legs not quite reaching my waist. Now she is almost as tall as me. She borrows my shirts, my shoes, my jewelry. "Mom, can I wear your..."

"I guess so." I'm letting go. Her world is no longer just my world. I hope she's ready.

We get to school, she lets go of my hand. The door opens to, "Sadie, your hair looks so cute." Two girls crowd the car, praising her picture day look, lamenting their own. She turns to me with a big smile, "Bye Mom."

"Bye honey. I love you."

"Love you too." And this time her expression really does say it.

boys

When we bought the trap to save our chickens, it came with a smaller trap, for squirrels I guess. Jack and Evan, who get a kick out of boy things, set up the trap in the backyard. They put it where the squirrels hang out and put an overripe peach inside. The plan was to catch and release. But then the squirrels, clever guys, figured out how to eat the peach through the cage, never stepping foot inside. So, my two guys lost interest.

But they left the trap in the backyard, set, but empty. And two baby raccoons, probably crazy boys themselves, wandered inside. They couldn't get out and because I'm a girl, I never checked the trap. The boys checked the trap late in the day, after school was out and found the two huddled inside.

They were scared, but not too scared to show their teeth and scare two other boys into dropping the cage at one point. They let them out but not before they coaxed me into going out to film the formal release into nature.

Sick again.

It is so difficult to watch your children suffer.

Maisy's room

I've been working on some projects for Maisy's room. I started collecting inspiration and decided it was about time I acted on it. So Monday, I made some rain drops to add to her cloud/chinese lanterns.

I cut the rain drops out of wool felt and zig zag stitched it to some matching yarn.
Then I hung them from her ceiling with Command hooks. It definitely needed a little shot of color, so a yellow tissue paper pom pom did the trick, and we have a sun. She loves her little sky mobile above her bed and the other two girls were jealous.
Then I started on a blanket for her bed. She hasn't seen it yet, so I'm leaning towards saving it for Christmas or her birthday. It has already doubled in size since this picture and I can see that grannys are addictive.
I'm sure many copies of this blanket are in my future. Next up is artwork and curtains.

The education of little ones

We have a full-fledged farm here. In the spring we got baby chicks, by late summer we had fourteen. In the last two weeks we have crammed in two years of farm education. It all started with at least one raccoon, a possum, and a wild cat.

We are down to eleven chickens. But we caught the culprits. It was sad. The kids were devastated to find the dead chickens each morning. It was difficult and frustrating not being able to keep them safe.
Then last week we were asked to stable two horses, a mare and a fowl. They are beautiful and the kids have loved going out to see them.
Sunday, before church, Sadie went out to check on the animals. She came running in quite upset. Evan went out to see what was wrong.
The momma horse lost a baby. She was four months along and the baby horse didn't make it. It was very sad. We had a burial and a little graveside moment of silence.

Since then we have had many talks about miscarriages. This morning she asked about my miscarriage. That was difficult. She hopes she never goes through that and I hope she won't, with all my heart. We talked about bodies and spirits. And about death and life after death. Its a lot of education in a little time.

Hidden message rubber bands

Every once in a while, when I get produce, asparagus or broccoli, they are wrapped in these great strong rubber bands. I sometimes save them in a kitchen drawer. When I came across one while cooking dinner, I thought about hidden messages. Now, I really thought that this was a no big deal thing, but my kids went crazy for them and my husband was impressed, so here you go.

Stretch your rubber band across a flat surface (I used a cookie sheet, as a kid we used our desks.) The wider the stretch, the more hidden the message. Write your message across the rubber band, turning and stretching as you go. A fine point permanent marker works best, other pens disappear with wear and hand washing. I wrote song lyrics, poems, scriptures, and little affirmations on mine.
Then, I put them in their lunch boxes with a little message telling the kids to stretch to read their message and that they could wear them to remind them that I love them.
They loved them and were excited by the secrecy of the whole thing.

Soap resist antiqueing

I went to the thrift store last week. The kids were all back in school and it was calling to me. Expecting to pick up a few books, I was excited to find this pretty frame. A lot of the detail work had come off and it was obviously going to happen again at some point, but the dollar price tag was too good to pass up.

When I brought it home the first thing Evan noticed was the roses cut out of a magazine and taped to black velvet artwork inside. I hurried and ripped that out and said, "No, look at the frame." So then he noticed the pieces of exposed wood where the little detailing had come off. Someday he'll see my vision.
I have found quite a few pieces like this at the thrift store, mostly large, gilded mirrors. One was even painted red over the gold. I wanted some of the gilding to show through whatever color I painted them, but sand paper proved to be too rough and removed everything. I tried using a candle to leave a wax resist for the paint, but it was too hard and removed some of the detailing on one of the mirrors. So I tried soap and it was just the right softness to glide over the frame and leave behind a residue without removing any of the original finish. (I'm sure I'm not the first person to use soap, but here's what I do.)
I gently rubbed the soap over the frame,leaving a soapy residue. It helps if you use soap that is a different color than your paint, which I didn't. Sorry.
I try not to get any on the places where there is already wear, unless I want that to show too.
Then spray paint. I did three or four light coats, letting them dry. Once the paint is dry, get a soft rag quite wet with warm water and go over the frame to get rid of the soap.
And that's it. If you "over-soaped " you can re-spray in some areas.
The little bit of gold shows through as if it were an old finish with wear.