Goodnight Sunshine

My newly three-year-old little man just shyly sang "You are my Sunshine." What a nice goodnight.

My Hero

Watching the rain after church.

Last night, well after bedtime, Evan was cutting the bases off of Happy Meal toys so that they looked more like the real thing. Two happy little girls scurried up the stairs clutching their new toys. And I said, "Super daddy saves the day. It's way past bedtime, did you have to be the hero?" And then he said something very wise, "I won't always be their hero, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts." Always the hero for all of us.

Tiny Spaces

What is it about a small space that is so intriguing? I think Jack could happily have made a home in the entertainment center in our condo in Las Vegas.  

It was his own private fort, in just the right size.

Is it silly that I am fascinated by my kids minds? I watch them and wonder where they came from. The development of a child is such a miracle.

Our Beach

We went out to "the beach" on Thursday to spend the morning with my sister and Olive on Haley's birthday. (It's really just a stretch of sand on the lake, but the kids lovingly call it the beach. We miss the coast.) I really couldn't resist taking the camera.

These two girls, whom Jack calls "sadiella", love the water.

He loves his sisters... 

and Maisy pretty much didn't like anything.

The birthday girl and her best birthday present.

And Miss Olive, looking lovely.

Just imagine this with hearts all over it...

and instead of periods and commas there are hearts.

I found a letter while I was cleaning Sadie and Ella's room. Now before you say I'm a nice mom, just know that when I clean their room it usually involves trash bags, boxes, and yelling, sometimes even tears. So anyway, the letter said:

On the outside: for Ella's eyes only!

Inside: Dear Ella

you are the Best sister anyone could have you are kind and nice with good evice I love you ella! 

p.s. you remind me of olivia so I give you this neckless.

love,

Sadie

And that made me smile.

Even at 3 AM, I love this face!

Sisters

We went to play in a fountain today and enjoy the warm weather, and as I watched Sadie and Ella play I remembered just how different they are from each other.  When we got there Sadie immediately sought out the water, she was drawn to the water.

She tried to get Ella to come over and run through the water with her. She begged and pulled, and pleaded with Ella to come play with her.She tried to show Ella how great the water was, the splashing and running.
She got lost in the water and forgot everything else around her.
But Ella would not get wet. Instead she stayed a safe distance away.
But in the end they are best friends. They love each other and stand by each other, and I'm so grateful for their friendship.  (Although, I'm not sure Ella was too thrilled about the wet hugs.)
Personality wise, they are this way with most things. Sadie dives in and Ella has to be coaxed. Sadie immerses herself, while Ella dabbles.  It is so interesting to me to see these differences and the wonders it creates for them. Sadie has trouble focusing in school, but gets lost in her imagination. She excels at creative writing and reading.  On the flip side, Ella is great at math and spelling. She has an amazing sense of style and loves art. Where this will go I can only imagine.  I love the way that they compliment each other and as great as they are individually, together they are amazing, together they are a formidable pair. 

Bruises on the Inside

In some ways Maisy is the toughest little girl I know. She has been through so much, how could she not be one tough girl.  There were days in the hospital that she would be in so much pain. She would look in my eyes and my tears would begin. Quiet tears running down my face, because I knew how much my daughter was suffering. I would hold her hands and sing her songs, sometimes the song would bring her heart rate down and I could watch the effect I had on my sweet daughter. She went through withdrawal while in the hospital and had one terrible Thanksgiving weekend where the pain was so visible in her tiny one-month-old body.

When she came home there were still days where she barely moved she was so weak. And when she was sick back in February you could hardly tell, which is why it got so bad. Here was my sweet girl with an ear infection, pneumonia, and RSV and I had no idea.  

For the first two-and-a-half years I had to give her shots twice a day and she would barely flinch.  Her strength was a blessing and a curse, I was so glad that she fought so hard and I am proud of how strong she is, but I am sad that it has to be that way.  So often it broke my heart to see her have to stare down pain when she should be learning to roll over or crawl or coo. 

But then there are her little feelings.  I am so afraid for the future of her feelings. She is this sweet little girl who is devastated by being told no.  When she gets hurt, she is more upset by the fact that someone would hurt her than the actual pain.  She has a very distinct "hurt feelings" cry that once heard, is usually followed by someone saying, "Jack, leave Maisy alone."

The worst part of this sensitivity is our knowledge of what's to come.  Unfortunately, kids can be mean. For that matter, adults can be mean.  I get teary when I think of the things she may hear or see, the way she may be treated and the way that will make her feel.  If I tell her over and over how wonderful she is, will it be enough to make her know it?  Will it be enough for her to keep her kindness without bruising her sensitivity?  

He's a Rockstar

We went to a party at Evan's work to celebrate Hospital Week.  An anesthesiologist Evan works with has a band that would be playing.  As soon as Jack heard that there would be guitars he had to bring his guitar. Towards the end of the event Jack got up with the band and I'm afraid he stole the show, sorry guys. The picture is from a camera phone so it's poor quality.  But you can see how serious he is about his music. He had his "rock on" face.  I can't even express how much I enjoy him.  I was laughing so hard I was crying.  I so love this boy.

Happy Mother's Day

Mom,

I love you because you make me dilishes food and read me the best storys. then you sing the best songs. Mom and I know you love me very much and I love you. also you are vary kind to me. mom you are the most amazing woman in my life well sort of Amilya airhart is pritty amazing but you are amazing to.

Love, 

you'r dearest child, Sadie.

Watching Dad

Jack's favorite thing to do is watch his dad. It really doesn't matter what Evan is doing, he just wants to be there to watch.  

Friday morning Evan power raked the lawn, Jack sat on the porch and watched from his little Adirondack.  It was chilly, but Jack kept watch.  Anywhere with Dad is better than being warm with mom.
First thing Jack says when he wakes up is, "Where's my daddy?" Before he even leaves his room he yells it through the door. "I wake up, where's my daddy?"
But that's okay, because whenever he needs a snuggle he knows where I am.

Comfort

When Maisy was in the hospital back in February, I spent nearly two full days right at her side. She had a big bed, they had two and three patients in a room, and they let me stay right in the big bed with her, only leaving during rounds. When we came home, having grown accustomed to sleeping next to mommy, she would wake up at one or two in the morning and come crawl in bed with me. I love sleeping next to my kids, but Maisy is a little furnace, so after a week of this, I was pretty tired and needed a little break from my snuggle buddy. It took me another week to break her of our little nightly habit.
Well, now it is someone else's turn to need mommy. And like clockwork, at between 11:00 and 12:00, in comes Jack. "I seep wif you." Sometimes I am still up and sometimes I am not. When I am asleep I just let him climb in bed by me. But when I am still awake we have little conversations about the situation, last night it went like this:

Me: "Jack, what's going on? How come you are awake?"
Jack: "I scare, Mommy."
Me: "Why are you scared, honey? There isn't anything to be afraid of, you are safe here."
Jack: "I wanna seep wif you."
Me: "I don't know, buddy. Where will Daddy sleep? You had better talk to him about that."

Jack: "Daddy, I go seep?"
Evan: "Okay, let's go get in bed." Walking towards Jack's room.
Jack: "No, not der. In der." Pointing towards our room. "I seep in Mommy's bed."
Evan: "No, buddy. You need to sleep in your bed."
Jack, crying now: "No! I seep wif you."

We gave in. That is a fight for another night.

On Saturday, while he and I were running errands, I asked Jack why he needed to sleep by mommy at night. (And he truly has to be touching me while he sleeps, a little hand or foot reaching out to find mommy.) He said he was scared of the monsters. I told him there were no monsters in our house, we don't allow monsters in our house; Daddy and Mommy are always right down the hall if he needs us, all the platitudes you give a frightened two-year-old. But I really feel bad for him, he is scared. I don't know why or what brought it on, I just want to make him feel safe, even when I'm tired and its the middle of the night.

Yes, I'm Talking To You

There was a song I listened to over and over in high school. I loved the message in the words, it was short and sweet. I think it is something that you (you know who you are) need to hear, and I want you to know that I mean it. (Evan doesn't get this song.)

If I had a spell of magic,

I would make this enchantment for you.

A burgundy, heart-shaped medallion

With a window that you could look through.

So that when all the mirrors are angry

With your faults and all you must do

You could peek through that heart-shaped medallion

And see you from my point of view.

I think if you could see you, how I see you, you would like what you see.

Midnight cheesecake and cheez-its

My cousin got married last night on home base at the local ballpark. I don't often get to see him, but I am always happy when I do. And I am so glad to see him and his new wife so happy. We also were able to see family from near and far that we seldom have around. It was so nice to see little ones grown and grown ones as well.

I had talked to the happy groom on the phone back in February and just as we said goodbye and were about to hang up he said, "Love you" and I said,"love you too." And I mean it. I love my family.

After I hung up the phone, I thought about how nice it is to hear, and about how great it is to know. Loving my cousins is staying at my Aunt and Uncle's house, hanging out on the bean bags in the family room, boxes of Cheez-its, laughing at the stories, and the laughing louder when we were told to go to sleep. Getting up in the middle of the night and sneaking leftovers from Thanksgiving. Chicken fights. Tree houses. Riding bikes. Ice cream. Cheesecake. Disneyland.

I am so often struck by the fact that aren't a million different words to describe love. How can one word contain so much? How can one little word possibly explain so many feelings and times? I really don't understand. Love you too, Marcus.

A Blanket for Ezra

I took Sadie to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and as I was walking through the waiting room I heard a voice say, "Well, hi." I turned around and there was a friend from years ago.
Liz and I were pregnant at the same time and had our first babies within months of each other. She turned to her son, who was no longer a baby, and said, "This is the lady that made that made you that blanket. The one with the mountains on it." He looked at me and said, "Oh." (I think he was distracted by Sadie, who is also no longer a baby.)

I was quite surprised that they still had the blanket, but it made me feel good. So as I was working on another baby blanket, Evan asked me why I was making it and I told him about Liz. I guess I make baby blankets because that is how I show love.

When Maisy was in the hospital, baby blankets meant a lot to me. A warm reminder that even though I wasn't with her all the time, she could feel that love. So, that is why I make blankets. Because that is the tangible way I can show my love. And because there is nothing sweeter than a baby curled up sleeping under a blanket. Except maybe a toddler dragging that same blanket everywhere.

Hidden Surprises

Trimming back the dead foliage and raking up the leaves in my perennial beds, I was excited to find some first signs of Spring.
And a few hidden friends.

Then those little birdies made me wonder about my little birdies,

and what they were up to.

Which led to a bit of this...

And that.

I'll tackle the drip line another day, when swings aren't the priority. Another reason I love Spring.

My luthier

Evan sold his first commissioned guitar.
I think it was a bittersweet experience.

He has already received praises for its sound quality.

Let's Go Fly a Kite

Have I mentioned I'm glad that Spring is here and how much I love the Spring?
I just want to take advantage of every day.

Evan and I have a deal that we can't complain about the weather because everyone is experiencing the same weather and complaining about it isn't going to change anything. But we really aren't Winter people.

So we have been outside and loving it. And I do like watching the kids fly kites, even if it means spending more time getting the kites out of the tree than actually flying the kites.

It still is a pleasure to watch their excitement at making the kite fly.

One more reason I love the Spring.

The story of a boy and a rocket.

"Daddy, I manna wocket chip."
"Wocket chips go pachoom!"

"Wow! Awetum"

"Pieb, seben, two, one. Bwast off."

"I no wike dat wocket chip."

"Wow, wocket chip awetum."

"I gonna get da wocket chip."

"I awl done, Mommy. I wanna hold chew." Whispered in my ear once he was safe in my arms, "Wocket chip scare me momma."