Its Been a Little While...

since I had the time to sit at my computer. I have had a busy new year and it is shaping up to be even busier.

I belong to a church where the congregation is called to serve in different positions to help the church run smoothly. We all hold service positions with various responsibilities. Since I was twelve I have held a calling, whether I helped to conduct a meeting, taught a class, organized activities, or visited other members of the congregation. However, when Maisy was born I was released from all my resposibilities. For the next three years I focused on my home and family, but I felt kind of lost at church. I think that until you serve people you can't truly love or understand who they are.

When I was finally given a calling again I was thrilled and I loved it. I helped on the committee to organize monthly activities for the women's organization. As of Sunday I was called to be in charge of the committee (sort of), I was asked to be the second counselor in the Relief Society Presidency. I'm excited, but I'm really scared. I have had this position before, but this time will be different. We live in a different state, with different needs, I'm a different person.

Last time, I was a young mom, I had one little girl and one on the way. My husband was in school and was often out of town on rotations. So in some respects it was a more difficult time, but in some respects it was a great time too. I was quite naive, we had a little apartment with little responsibility. My kids were flexible in their schedules and happy to be anywhere. It was a different time in our lives.

I remember one day, when I was sitting in an surgical waiting room and the doctor came out to tell me how Maisy's surgery went. He said that while it went okay, there were some minor complications. It was a relatively minor procedure, but her compromised little body had complicated matters. I sat and listened and then sobbed.

Some of the parents stared and one asked me if everything was okay and I said yes it had just been a long road. Another mom said she understood that. Her son was getting his tonsils out and he had had strep throat three times in the last year. Part of me wanted to cry harder, but then I realized it is all relative to what we know. To me having a central line placed in my daughter's heart so that she could receive medication for blood infections or blood transfusions when she lost blood faster than they could replace through an IV, was minor compared to what we had been through. To this mom having her sons tonsils removed so that he could stay healthy was the biggest thing she had been through to that point.

I guess my point is that we all go through various times in our lives with various understandings of how life is and what it has in store for us. Previously, my stand out memory of having this position was being in front of a room full of women, feeling that they were all much more intelligent and much more qualified than me, and then having my thigh highs fall down around my ankles. I hope that I did more for that calling than just cause some good laughs.

Now I am a bit older and a bit more tired. I internalize everything and some days I feel the weight of the world. I understand that things happen that are beyond our control and bad things happen to good people. I have watched parents lose their children and I know what a transport helicopter means to the person on the ground. I have seen miracles and felt arms around me when no one was next to me. I have prayed and prayed for hours at a time. And I have to say that I understand so much more about the Savior and his sacrifice, as well as Heavenly Father and his love for me. I hope that this time around I can keep it together. I hope I don't take on too much. I hope that I can help in some way that is unique to the experiences I have had these last few years. I hope I can help where I'm needed and be of use to those around me. But most of all I hope I am the right person.

So this is where my mind has been for the last day or so. And this long wordy post, along with some other obligations, is why I have neglected my computer. So while I don't expect anyone to read this, these are my thoughts and emotions today.