Exposed

A few nights ago, I had a dream where I got in touch with a friend I haven't seen in years. She invited me for lunch and I showed up in my underwear. For some reason, I didn't have the good sense to drive home and get dressed when I realized I was in my car in my undies. (I haven't had a caught in my underwear dream since High School.)

If I analyzed this dream I might say that maybe I feel a bit exposed. I know that when I write down my feelings and emotions in a public format, it has the possibility to be read. However, I am still surprised when I see people and they know so much about me. Not that that's a bad thing. I have spoken in public on many occasions and been told that my honesty was refreshing, and at the time I didn't realize I was being overly honest. I just thought I was being myself.

When I was in High School, I took an aerobics class. One day, during class, I was called to the office. Half of the school was at lunch during this time and I had to walk past the cafeteria to get to the office, in my leotard. I was hoping that no one would see me, but then I heard a whistle and my face went bright red. I didn't even look to see where it came from or how many people saw, I just hurried as fast as I could, looking straight ahead.

Part of my shyness came from an incident that same year. At the time I didn't know I was being stalked, I just thought we had classes in the same places. I didn't know the boy, but I knew I saw him a lot, so I would smile when I saw him, just as I smiled at a lot of people. Then one day in the hall, I took a different route to a class while trying to find a friend. I ended up in an empty hall and there he was. At the time it didn't seem like a big deal and I said hi. But then it happened and he was gone and I was left feeling very violated.

I identified him for the principal and was told he was an honor student. They discouraged me from doing anything, a "he said, she said" incident is what they called it. I was a good girl, but they scared me all over again. I didn't do anything, but I felt guilty. It wasn't a big deal I told myself, just touching I told myself. But some things changed fir me that day.

Years later, I saw him and he gave me a smirk that chilled me to the bones. I'm sure his behavior has escalated and I didn't do anything to stop him. I felt very exposed at the time and I'm not very good at that.

When I lived in South Carolina, I was in front of a group of women teaching a lesson about our worth as women and as daughters of God. I realized as I was standing there that my thigh highs (don't ask) were falling down and that everyone was about to see it. So I quickly explained the situation and some of the circumstances behind what was about to happen and then finished the lesson with nylons around my ankles. That day a stranger came up to me and told me that she hadn't laughed that hard in a while. We talked about a few things and became friends on the spot. A little embarrassment in exchange for a friend is a good deal to me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that exposure isn't always a bad thing. When we are honest with each other maybe we can help through shared experiences. We often go through things thinking we may be the only one. We aren't. Sometimes we get so caught up in doing everything perfect. We won't. But it isn't about looking perfect, its about trying to be better. And ultimately life is about love. Sometimes, a listening ear is what we need to heal. Sometimes, an extra hand is what we need to get through the day.